It’s almost time for my favorite holiday of the year – Valentine’s Day! Kidding. That’s something nobody says. If you’re single Valentine’s Day is also known as “That One Day You Really Want to Avoid Facebook and All Social Media in General.” If you’re in a relationship it’s known as “That One Day You Have to Make Restaurant Reservations but Everywhere is Booked and You End Up Eating at Chili’s.”
The worst part about Valentine’s Day, however, has nothing to do with social media humblebrags or sad meals at chain restaurants. The worst part of Valentine’s Day is the terrible jewelry and advertisements that are forced upon all of us, single and betrothed alike. I’m talking to you Jared, the Galleria of Diamonds. In the age of Hillary Clinton taking names and kicking ass why are we still subject to such terrible jewelry?
The premise of Pandora bracelets is that you buy a plain chain and then buy charms customized for the special lady in your life. What a unique, thoughtful gift! Except not. I really hate everything about Pandora Bracelets. First of all, they are not attractive. They look straight out of an airport gift shop. And that is not a compliment. Nothing says “Hey I put as little effort into buying you a gift as possible!” like something from an airport gift shop.
The commercials are really what put me over the edge. Not only are the bracelets ugly and cheap looking but we are subjected to screenshots of a woman happily showing off her Pandora bracelet with a soccer ball charm because she’s a soccer mom. Because that is precisely the message we want to sell young girls. Forget math and science let’s just teach girls to become orange slice slinging soccer moms wearing Pandora bracelets. Ugh.
I designed my own Pandora bracelet on their web site and the cost at the end was $1,855. I mean sure I was just haphazardly clicking on random charms but still. The fact that you have to pay more than $30 for a Pandora bracelet is a travesty.
I am not completely opposed to the Shane Company based on the ugliness of its jewelry. From what I can tell the Shane Company has some attractive enough pieces. My beef with the Shane Company is purely that I find Tom Shane’s voice incredibly annoying. Nothing is more upsetting than hearing Tom Shane on the radio when I really just want to hear some Ke$ha.
I understand that Tom Shane founded the company and I’m sure he’s a great guy but can we please get someone else to read those radio ads? Perhaps Ke$ha is available?
Open Hearts by Jane Seymour
There is nothing (I repeat nothing) I hate more on this earth than the Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman jewelry at Kay Jewelers. It’s called the Open Hearts collection, and Dr. Quinn’s tagline is, “If your heart is open, love will always find its way in.” My first problem with this tagline is that Dr. Quinn is ending a sentence with a preposition which is, hello eighth grade English class, a huge grammar faux pas. My second problem with this tagline is that calling the design of the jewelry a heart is a huge reach. The Open Hearts collection could more aptly be named the Open Swan collection or the Open Butt collection.
As if the base model weren’t bad enough, there are several variations of the open heart design, the worst culminating in a mutilated angel.
I think we’ve pretty well established the fact that the Open Hearts jewelry is absolutely hideous. Unfortunately, the commercials are just as bad as the actual jewelry.
The commercial opens with an artistic shot of Jane Seymour in a sunny studio with classical piano playing in the background. But of course. We then get a Jane voiceover (she’s British?!) about some touching story with her mom and hearts and something, something. Really I was just distracted by how she keeps obsessively painting the same design over and over. In red paint. I’m concerned about the mental health and safety of Dr. Quinn at this point. Then, when things were already questionable for our leading lady, Dr. Quinn says that she agreed to work with Kay Jewelers as a jewelry designer. The answer to any question that Kay Jewelers is asking you should always be no. Especially if it involves jewelry design. You don’t want your name on that shiz! Kay Jewelers likes to say that every kiss begins with Kay but what I would really be interested in seeing are the statistics on how many divorces begin with Kay.
The commercial transitions to some shots of Jane inside a Kay Jewelers showing them her crude paintings, er “designs.” Her next mistake was actually setting foot into a Kay Jewelers. We are then forced to look at the finished products before the commercial cuts back to Jane STILL obsessively painting her design over and over. She reveals her secret desire for her design to become the international symbol of hope and love. At the end of the commercial I’m fairly convinced that Jane Seymour must be on a lot of drugs if she thinks her design is going anywhere beyond the walls of Kay Jewelers, the Wal-Mart of jewelry stores.
Anyway, thanks to Jane my new favorite hobby is now to send my closest friends Open Hearts e-cards from Jane Seymour’s website to let them know how happy I am they opened their hearts and let me into their lives. Although I had some technical difficulties getting the e-cards to actually work. The verdict is still out!
So, people of the world, let’s band together and make this Valentine’s Day the best one ever. Just say no to ugly bracelets, jewelry companies that have annoying ads or unattractive jewelry design. Say yes to things that don’t suck. Let’s make Hillary Clinton proud.